By Dan St. Yves

December 2009: Ho! Ho! Ho! – Countdown to delivery day! I only have a few frantic days left to tour the workshop and make sure the newer elves have been keeping pace with the toy construction schedule. It’s true what people say – good help is hard to find.

Maybe Mrs. Claus and I shouldn’t have instituted that rigid uniform policy all those centuries ago – nobody seems to be too excited about wearing green felt jackets, leotards and pointy-toed shoes in a warehouse these days. The Workers Compensation premiums alone are killing me, with the elves not wearing steel-toed boots in the factory. I swear, there are days that I wish we could just buy out Wal-Mart and shut down this forsaken North Pole headquarters – there have to be reindeer SOMEWHERE in Hawaii!

Oh well, at least the expectation bar has been set a little lower this year, what with the current world economy. Kids shouldn’t be expecting much more than a lump of coal, or a previously tickled Elmo. Even the greediest little boys and girls have down-sized their requests this year – barely a handful of them have asked for anything too outlandish. Well, there were those two earnest young men who kept asking if they could be Prime Minister of Canada, but neither one has written in a while now, so maybe they’ll be happy with an i-Pod Shuffle.

Speaking of shuffle, I had better start addressing my To-Do List for this year:

1) Lose weight – Ho! Ho! Ho! Guess I better drop off the Santa suit for some alterations again.

Who can lose weight with all those platters of milk and cookies that the kids leave out for me every Christmas Eve? By the way, children, Santa really prefers pecan chocolate chip.

2) Convert Rudolph’s nose to LED lamp – Alright, Al Gore, even Santa can become a little greener if he makes just a few small changes.

3) Write generous bonus cheques for Santa’s Little Helpers – HEY!

4) Pick up milk and a loaf of bread before parking sleigh for the season.

5) Don’t forget to pack the holly and ivy allergy medication this time. Don’t want to look like one of Hootie’s blowfish again this year.

Looks like I’ve got most of this stuff covered – I just need to stop by the workshop, and see what the elves have cooked up for an alternate toy this year, if demand gets too high for a real popular request. Last year, everyone wanted a Wii Gaming System, but the elves substituted a wee draw poker pocket “gambling system” when supplies ran out. Not every parent was happy about that, let me tell you!

So, just about enough time to see who’s been naughty and who’s been nice before I begin to prepare the sleigh. You know, with the dwindling supplies of fossil fuels, I may have to think about replacing lumps of coal next year. I suppose I could always substitute those lumpy nuggets with vegetables – or spoonfuls of Mrs. Claus’ gravy. Ho! Ho! Ho! Just kidding!

Better run. I have to get my beard groomed before the 24th. Darned Health Board rules. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Love, Santa    

Dan St. Yves 2005Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at, or contact him at [email protected].


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