By Dan St. Yves

You would think there are some common-sense considerations that just don’t need to be pointed out, or stressed implicitly in print form when you have a home listed for sale – but given the human capacity for surprise and/or self-entitlement, I do have to wonder…



To be fair, I used to print out signs to leave at a home’s front entry, such as, “Please Remove Your Shoes”, “Please Remember To Lock Up After You Are Done”, or “Caution – Cat May Try To Leave, Please Close Door Behind You. Do NOT Let Him Try To Convince You Otherwise!”  But are there other concerns that need to be pointed out? Here are a few signs you might consider posting in an obvious space somewhere in your new listing:

1) Please Check After Flushing. Please.

2) Please Help Yourself To ONE Candy From The Dish On The Counter. Kindly Refrain From Handfuls.

3) Camera Recording Cannot Be Stopped While You Are Here, Please Exercise Discretion.

4) If Our Dog Gets Free From His Pen During Your Viewing, PLEASE Remain In Pantry Until Our Return.

5) If You Are Viewing Inside This Bedroom Drawer, Please Review Notification #3 re: Camera Recording.

6) Good Luck With Your Open House! We Apologize, The Only Active Channel On Our Cable Package Is The FirePlace Log.

7) Please Feel Free To Point Out Every Highlight Of Our Home. This Showing Will Be Broadcast Live On YouTube and Rated By Our Family. Omissions And Underselling Are Highly Frowned Upon.

8) Please Prop Open Basement Door With Shoe, Lock Is Completely Unreliable After It Closes Behind You.

9) If Grandmother Is Awake While You Are Showing Our Home, Please Simply Advise That You Are A Realtor, The Home Is For Sale And Move Along. Do NOT Answer Her Request For A Foot Rub Or Glass of Brandy.

10) Not Entirely Sure Why You Felt You Could Make Yourself A Sandwich, But As Long As You Are In The Fridge, Could You Please Smell This Leftover Brick of Cheese And Let Us Know If You Feel It Is Still Okay To Eat?

11) Important: Cat Is Prone To Sneak Attacks. Typically Drops From Places Of Dark And Considerable Height. You Are Welcome To Don Our Complimentary Pith Helmut During Viewings.

12) Note: Indoor Agricultural Area Is Off-Limits, And For Reference Sake, Medicinal.

13) We Apologize For The Lack Of Ventilation, My Husband’s Hobby is Fish Processing.

14) Full Disclosure: Walter Is The Farting Dog From The Popular Children’s Book Series.  Farts Are Considerably Less Popular While In This House, We Will Admit.

15) Please Load Clothes Into Dryer Once Wash Cycle Has Finished.

16) Full Disclosure: Forensics Will Scan Property After All Showings For Fingerprints.

17) Please Be Advised That The Code For Door Lock To Depart Will Be A Scanned Offer Of Purchase And Sale, Above Asking Price.

18) After Showing, Please Help Yourself To Vegetables Fresh From The Garden. Please Pick Extra For Us And Leave On The Kitchen Table After Washing. Thank You.

19) We Apologize For Any Inconvenience, Alarm Is Stuck In “On” Position, Please Shimmy Like A Docked Mackerel Along The Floor To Avoid Setting Off Motion Detectors.

20) Warning: Pet Boa Missing Since Tuesday. Keep Your Wits About You.

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