By Peggy Blair

I’m at that age now where I’m conscious of every lost moment, so I really felt for the agent who wrote in this listing: “24 hr irrecoverable on all offers.” Sigh.

I loved this new listing: “The view is speechless!” I’ve certainly seen views that took my breath away, but I didn’t expect it to work the other way too. (Although as one of my friends pointed out, it could be worse – the view could be unspeakable!)

In this recent listing, the agent advises that the condo corporation will be installing “wood beans.” Now that’s going to take someone with patience and attention to detail; ideal for a bean counter.

Sometimes I feel as if my garden is getting away from me, but the backyard in this new listing takes that to a whole new level: “Library retreat overlooking soaring back yard.”

This poor home reminds me of the way I feel after an hour at the gym: “newly pained and refreshed.”

I had a chuckle at this one: “Trendy and well kept sweat home.” When it comes to hot and sweaty, I enjoyed the enthusiasm of this listing that called on buyers to “be aroused & draw from nature.” I hope that property comes with a shower; not sure if I want to see the pictures.

Mikki Halpin posted this gem on Twitter: “Ready to live in a Dickensian neighbourhood but still experience the spoils of the city?” (She wondered if the sales rep had ever read Dickens.)

This property is “waiting for your decorating flare.” Nothing like a sudden burst of flames to add a cosy touch!

Here’s a listing that sounds perfect for a beauty salon owner: “You’ll be blown away by the high coiffured ceilings.”

Speaking of architectural features, this listing features: “TILE in the wet areas, all windows and the roof.” Sounds nice, but I’m guessing all that tile makes it hard to see outside. Here’s another one that made me wonder: “Living room has impressive vaulted ceiling with gas fireplace.” I’ll bet the trades had fun installing that one.

This rental property is apparently managed by “Eastern Ontario Property Mange” – probably not pet-friendly. By contrast, this new listing included a new “furness.” (I’m sure they don’t mean a puppy but I’m thinking maybe they should have their ducts cleaned.) And here’s one that made me smile: “Great opportunity for the growling family.”


I’m not sure how most buyers would feel about this property: “The finished basement includes central vac rough in and bat.” (Mice would make me nervous enough; a bat would be pushing it.) This basement, on the other hand, seems quite inviting: “Large unspooled basement.” Talk about a great place to unwind!

Here’s a selling point for millennials: “Easy to compute downtown.”

This listing made me snort: “Giant chef’s kitchen.” And I laughed out loud when I saw this listing: “property has oversized rear.” Believe me, I share your pain. I wasn’t quite sure what point the sales rep was trying to make about this property, since we usually describe things as being deceptively small, but I wish I could say the same about my oversized rear: “the yard is deceptively large!”

Here’s an unintentional gem: “No rear neighbours backing onto trees.” Phew.

This blooper made me feel a little sad: “Lonely and private three-bedroom condo backs onto ravine.”

I wasn’t sure whether the agent had an auto-correct feature that assumed if you said “crescent” you meant something else, or if the salesperson actually intended to say this in their listing, but it struck me as funny: “family home in family-oriented street, on quiet eyebrow.” Either way, it makes me want to see the aerial shot.

Carol Teichman, a sales representative with Re/Max Realtron Realty in Toronto, contacted me about a listing that she ran across that featured “All new widows”. She writes, “Now that’s a selling feature! I wonder what happened to the old ones?” Personally, I’d like to think they ran off with giant chefs.

This property had an odd feature: “Hardwood in living/dining and kitchen with upgraded carpet under padding in both bedrooms.” Most trades install carpet over the under-padding, but maybe it lasts longer the other way. And then there was this listing that made me wonder where the wiring was in the rest of the house: “This basement has in wall wiring for the ultimate experience.”

I loved the mental image generated by this brand-new listing: “The breakfast nook walks out to a completely landscaped backyard.” Maybe it goes out to check the trees for those rear neighbours, but I’m kind of hoping it’s making friends with that lonely condo.

And then there was this blooper: “Costume this home to your exact taste.” Great feature for Halloween lovers.

And finally, perhaps my favourite listing blooper of the New Year so far: “Master Bedroom has a vanity with sin and cheater door.” I sure hope no one has to use it.

Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.


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