Dan St. Yves 2010By Dan St. Yves

* Expansive northern property with several iconic features now available – first time on market!

Exclusive listing, sure to appeal to your most discerning buyers. This large and (frankly, well-beyond) secluded property is offered for the first time to clients seeking acute privacy, nightly front row seat views of the Aurora Borealis and an endless supply of ice cubes.

Beyond the main home (description to follow), this property boasts perhaps the only active reindeer enclosure in the area. While the stables are roomy and well-lit, I must be honest here – you will never, ever grow hay in this climate. Please factor in the cost of importing feed. To be noted, with many resident reindeer included, you may want to consider trading substantial piles of…fertilizer…to easily offset the cost of bringing in your feed.

Full disclosure: one reindeer in particular exhibits signs of extreme nasal brightness, likely due to the extremely low temperatures year-round. Disposition seemingly unaffected, constantly wanting to lead sleighs.

In addition to the well-maintained reindeer environment, there is a substantial factory on the property as well. While traditionally this multi-level building has been used for toy manufacturing, it could easily be converted to warehousing for upcoming new Apple merchandise, stockpiling leftover 2012 Mayan calendars or even filming James Bond movies. Trust me, no one will complain about a few explosions, if faulty manufacturing equipment and history is any indicator.

Adjacent to the factory is attached multi-family housing, suitable for a family of about 2,000. Included: 2,000 size small beds, 2,000 size small kitchens and 20 shared washrooms – go ahead, figure out the math on that one! Gingerbread walls and frosted roof tiles have just been covered in modern stucco and frost-repellent wood shingles. The subsequent insulation factor has greatly quieted the nightly collective chattering of the teeth. On truly chilling evenings, it sounded like a convention of beavers hopped up on Red Bull, trying to consume the Enchanted Forest. With loose dentures…

Finally, the jewel of the property – the opulent 5,000-sq.-ft. mansion inhabited by just two elderly individuals, and even at that, for only about two weeks out of the entire year. Equipped with every modern amenity, many manufactured in the aforementioned factory, located just outside the locked gate to the residence. Heli-pad doubles as landing strip for flying sleigh – don’t ask.

This desirable property MUST BE SOLD and every reasonable offer will be considered. Open to trades, specifically to tropical climates, presuming that camels or plus-sized lizards do not make the kind of mess that well-fed reindeer do.

Supplementary notes:

– Some title issues to be resolved and preference will be given to closing dates prior to mid-December. No worries, the client is totally the registered owner of said property.

– No showings allowed between Dec. 17 and Dec. 26! Or when “Ho Ho Ho” can be heard coming from the factory.

– Velvet red suits trimmed with fur will be donated to Lady Gaga, prior to possession day.

Please respond in confidence to our solicitor D. Elf at your earliest convenience.

 Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com, or contact him at [email protected].

10 COMMENTS

  1. Is there an S.P.I.S.? (Santa’s Personal Insider Statement)

    Is the property in Mrs. Claus’s name, or does Santa have free reign ‘dear’ hold status?

    Is it built on an anchored ice flow?

    Does the wind always blow south?

    Is Santa the only guy who can never go north for the weekend?

    Which exposure faces north?

    Questions from a former southern red-necked the red-nosed oft lubricated reined-in, snowed-out appraiser guy.

    • “Is there an S.P.I.S.? (Santa’s Personal Insider Statement)”
      Just a S.P.O.T. – of mulled rum…

      “Is the property in Mrs. Claus’s name, or does Santa have free reign ‘dear’ hold status?”
      I believe this is a joint title, although those have been known to creak quite a bit.

      “Is it built on an anchored ice flow?”
      One of the unrecognized wonders of the world – built on a pole, albeit a very large one…

      “Does the wind always blow south?”
      Elves indicate windy conditions in all directions, especially after Chili Tuesdays.

      “Is Santa the only guy who can never go north for the weekend?”
      Mrs. Claus suggests yes…

      “Which exposure faces north?”
      Too cold to be exposing ANYTHING up there!

      Merry Christmas Brian!

  2. Showed the property to clients last night, land registry shows it as a vast undeveloped tract of land, original purchase price not given, nor is an assessment. According to a kindly woman sporting granny glasses and a warm smile, it is 2011 years old however, a portly gentlemen with a flowing white beard and hair the colour of falling snow whom we ran into as he hurriedly entered the factory said it’s been in his family for 2400 years. He was pressed for time and said – speak to my agent. So they have a few questions:

    What is the age of the buildings?

    Are they up to code and if so to which country’s codes? Our inspector is Mike Holmes, and my clients fear they’d have to rip out everything unless your sellers have proof of permits.

    Are the candy canes dotting the landscape included? By the way, we saw a few with chunks missing and signs of teeth marks, is it possible for the owner to repair these?

    Security seems tight with all sorts of nutcracker guards patrolling the premises, is there anything they should be concerned about?

    Is the air thin up there or helium based perhaps? We ask because we’ve never seen so many short people in one place and all spoke as though they were having fun with balloons.

    There was a fella by the name of Jack roaming around outside grumbling under his breath that global something or other is putting a serious dent in blizzarding. Since my clients are avid snowmobilers, we’d appreciate knowing if there are any environmental issues.

    We acknowledge no showings, but the buyers want the place by December 23rd as they throw a massive party exactly 3 days after winter solstice, would that create a problem for your sellers?

    One last thing, they’d like the furnishings included, particularly the massive lazy boy chair that’s in front of the family room’s fireplace – it’s a deal breaker!

    Thanks in advance.

    • La-Z-Boy chair not an issue, unless bearded gentleman is asleep in it at time of possession. You know, Jack may be on to something, it was pretty warm when I picked up a copy of that feature sheet.

      Darn that Mike Holmes. I believe the “owners” were hoping to avoid scrutiny, or due diligence. I think I can confirm that the insulation may be the forerunner to what would eventually be known as asbestos?

      As for the candy cane bite marks, those will be replaced, although bragging rights for items nibbled by North Pole reindeer would be forfeited.

      Up to code? Everything up there is very, very code….it’s the North Pole!!

    • Vu,

      The site was pretty fogged over, so may have lost window of opportunity. My picture resembles a sheet of Kleenex…

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