By Peggy Blair
Ah, the summer market is on us, and while for many Canadians that means weekends at the cottage, for Realtors, it often means open houses.
As I get busier, I often get a little tired, so I chuckled at this new listing, which I’m sure would appeal to others who work long days: “Within waking distance to many amenities.” I hope there are a few coffee shops among them.
Speaking of coffee, this listing featured a back deck where you could “Enjoy your mourning coffee.” Seems a little sad to me.
If you’re the type to enjoy classical music when you’re feeling a little down, this could be the property for you with its “Deck in the Bach yard.”
And on that musical theme, I loved this new listing, described as “two minuets to the Parkdale Market.” I keep imagining Yul Brynner and Julie Andrews, for some reason, but I’m old.
In the “don’t-throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater” blooper category, we had some recent listings that involved removing things the buyer might actually prefer would stick around. Like this one: “laminate floors threw out first and second floors.” Which could make them difficult to walk on.
Or this one: “Please allow notice for showings to allow removal of dog, furnace, A/c and appliances.” You’d think just removing the dog would be enough.
In this new listing, you’d need more than a fence to keep your clothes from taking a hike: “oversized master bedroom with walking closet.” Maybe the closet got in a snit after the laminate flooring threw out the rest of the house.
This new listing featured “no rare neighbours.” Which I guess could be an asset. Whereas the folks who visit this listing seemed pretty relaxed: “All owners have exclusive use to outside pool and amble visitor parking.”
When it comes to recreational properties, this listing might not appeal to many new buyers – featuring “your own private sandy bench front property” – but hey, at least you have a place to sit while you look at whatever your view is. Here’s one where you really don’t want to look at the water too closely: “You’ll enjoy the salt water poo.” (No, honestly: I won’t.)
Now this blooper made me smile: “You’ll be blown away by the high coiffure ceilings.” As did this one, with its “coiffured dining room.” I’m sure they’re immaculately groomed.
Sometimes sales reps spell phonetically, but we know exactly what they mean. As in this feature: a “Huge storage area will fit all your chachkies.” They must be the not-so-rare neighbours of tchotchkes.
On the other hand, I haven’t a clue what this means, but I do like the visuals: “attached double garage with 2 man doors.”
This listing made me laugh with its “amateur tree lined street.” God forbid it had professional trees. But this one cracked me up: “Lovely neighbourhood that families grow op in.” I mean, hey, it won’t be long until the new laws kick in. I’m thinking the family that grows pot together, stays together.
Art Ratelle is a sales representative with Coldwell Banker Momentum Realty in St. Catharines, Ont. He sent me this listing blooper and wondered why a buyer would want to destroy a newly renovated property: “Completely remodeled kitchen that will impress the most decimating buyer.” I agree: not sure why you’d want a new kitchen if you’re planning on taking a sledge hammer to it anyway.
Then there was this new listing that made me chuckle. It features a “spacious white kitchen w/ lots of cupboard space (incl panty cupboards)”. I guess I’m using mine wrong: I tend to keep my undies in the chest of drawers in the bedroom, although I can see how it could be convenient to have a replacement set nearby. Yeah, like I said, I’m getting old.
Painted floors must be popular: in this new listing, the seller offered to “paint and replace laminate flooring.” Now, I didn’t know you could paint laminate. Or paint walls with flooring for that matter, but here you go: “HOUSE HAS BEEN PAINTED WITH GLEAMING HARDWOOD FLOORS.”
Lisa Lansink, a broker with Colliers International in London, sent this blooper along: “All offers must contain a conditional clause for the seller to secure his spot in retirement home for 60 days.” She wondered what was going to happen to the poor seller when his 60 days was up. Back on the street, I guess, sitting on a sandy bench, looking at amateur trees. Could happen to any of us.
One of my Twitter pals passed along a real estate listing where the house featured an “extra big dick for entertaining your friends.” Which I think could be an enormous selling feature.
James Knowles with Re/Max Kamloops found another one with similar overtones: “Freshly painted & quick passion available.” No mention of the, ahem, amenities on that one, though.
But this blooper was my favourite this month and made me laugh right out loud: “Available for premature evacuation.” (Although as one of my friends said, “I think I’d settle for fresh paint.”)
This will be my last blooper column: I want to thank all of you who have sent me listing bloopers and typos, and for all your feedback as well. Whether negative or positive, it’s always been appreciated — I hope you had a good laugh along the way.