By Dan St. Yves

Ho Ho Ho!

Well, hello boys and girls and welcome to today’s instalment of Letters to Santa. Over the last few weeks I’ve shared recent mail we’ve received here at The North Pole from firefighters, nurses, lawyers and kids just like yourselves.

Today, I’ll share some from Realtors across the land. Make sure you have plenty of warm cookies and milk and please – leave some leftovers for ole Santa! Ho Ho Ho!

Cookies, I mean – drink your milk boys and girls!

“Dear Santa,

This Christmas, could you please make my latest listing sell before the new year? I’ve had it on the market for two years, and the last time I went to do an open house, the owners had changed the locks. Please and thank you, Santa!”

Ho Ho Ho! Well, this fella could certainly use a break. Maybe we’ll see if any of the elves need a summer home. Keep your fingers crossed Long Listing Larry!

“Dear Santa,

I know that I’m probably a little long in the tooth to be asking a jolly old fat man for gifts at this time of year, but I would really like to get one of those fancy MKZ sedans that Matthew McConaughey drives in those TV commercials. It really makes me smile when he laughs and wheezes in that back seat! I’ll bet it would make my clients feel really good too! Thanks in advance, Kris Kringle!”

Ho Ho Ho! Well, you know if I wasn’t so jolly, I’d be inclined to show you a little something about karate that an “old fat man” is still capable of doing… Instead, yes, yes – old jolly Saint Nick will just leave a pile of Lincoln logs under your tree, and not a Lincoln on the driveway! Maybe a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People could come in handy as a stocking stuffer…would you mind hanging one upside your head this year?

“Dear Santa,

Hey, how’s it going Father Christmas? I was hoping you might be able to find a way to improve my negotiating skills this year. I could really stand to become stronger in that department, and you’re help would be much appreciated in that regard. Stay cool, bro!”

Ho Ho Ho! Well, “bro” –  two things – it’s “your” (who did you think mans the grammar police social media accounts 364 days a year?). Second, don’t “your” local real estate boards offer any continuing education? For Pete’s sake, I visit millions of homes over one night all around the world, all you need to do is Google “The Art of The Deal!”

“Dear Santa,

I’ve had a great year, in a very busy market! I can’t think of a single thing I would ask you for, aside from peace, goodwill and love to all! Have a very merry Christmas, Santa!”

Well bust my suspenders, and call me Beardy!

Looks like you get yourself a Lincoln, Mr. Humility! You may never sit in the back seat – but maybe you should! Ho Ho Ho!

And to all of you, best wishes for the holiday season, and a prosperous 2018 to everyone!


  1. Hi Dan:
    A member of my intercept squad got hold of a wayward letter to Santa, and I felt obliged to share it with you and REM’s readers. (It was not marked “CLASSIFIED”)
    Dear Santa Sananta Dananta:
    Please give me a face makeover so that I look just like I did twenty years ago. People say they don’t recognize me on the street when they have my trusty cards with them. My picture on them taken twenty years ago is the only one that I have because all of the photographers’ cameras keep jamming when I go to get new photos. That son-of-a-bitch-grinch Martindale bastard says that I am a fraud. I can’t help how I have aged beyond my years. Shit, I entered an ugly Realtor “Toys-For-Wives” contest last week as a joke…and I won! They gave me a Martha Stewart mask as first prize…and I’m a guy! SUMBITCH! Please make my day.
    888 Overfull Lane
    Phullofit, North of Southwest Illinoid

    • Ha!

      Well Brian, I believe that Realtors using their high school grad photos is STILL the #1 comment from the general public. So i think the solution is simple. We need to prevent the general public from getting access to us!

      Other than that, it sounds like you not only got a Xmas present, but you’ll also be able to use “Martha” at Halloween!

      Enjoy the holiday season, and Happy Selling!

      An Unauthorized Elf Helper In Need of A Magic Wand??

      • Well Dan, if what you believe is in fact true, that “…Realtors using their high school grad photos…” (or more generally, outrageously out-of-date photos of themselves as they were often more than five years prior to their current status) “…is STILL the #1 comment from the general public.”, then is not that an indictment of the industry’s failure to control many of its members’ deceptive attempts to deceive the public’s impressions of themselves?
        I think that your tongue-in-cheek solution is actually spot on…directed at those for whom deceptive advertising is their norm. Yes, maybe Organized Real Estate ‘should’ prevent the general public from getting access to them.
        I think that I will write a letter to Santa asking that ORE receive a mega-sized dump truck full of sulfur-infused coal as punishment for looking the other way in the case of the deceptive self-promotion actions of their bad boys and girls, and conversely, that he deliver to all of the good boys and girls who practice the art of transacting real estate deals in an honest, up-front, competent, transparent, ethical, non-deceptive —read PROFESSIONAL—manner…at all times (whether they be in the money or not) many, many referrals from every single satisfied client who has benefited from their efforts in the past. ORE should be protecting the reputations of the good guys and gals, not the other way ’round.
        If Santa answers my request however, he will have to quickly train a bunch of Clydesdales to fly in order to haul the coal, and his elves will have to come up with a sleigh-mounted road-apple deflector to boot.
        Merry Christmas and Happy Yew Year!

        • Now I’m going to lose sleep over Clydesdale-sized road apples falling from the sky?? That’s it, I’m staying in until March!

          Merry Christmas and Happy Yew Year right back atcha!

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