By Dan St. Yves

Anyone here old enough to remember Kevin Nealon’s Mr. Subliminal character on SNL? The gag was that while Mr. Subliminal said one thing, he then said (right out loud, but slightly under his breath) what he was really thinking.

Those running zingers within his commentary were always polar opposites from the original narrative, and mostly jabs at the particular subject he was talking about. It was an effective routine, frequently generating laughs from the audience, and just as often from his fellow cast members.

If ads for listings could talk, and be similarly affected by such a condition, it might be just as funny in the real estate world, I think:

For sale:

Charming two-room (phone booth) condo with ample storage space (for small amounts of dental floss). You’ll enjoy the layout of the “grand room” (half a kitchen with an allowance for a lawn chair) off of the master bedroom, and the soaring nine-foot ceilings (who ever really measures those ceilings?).

Open house:

Join me today between 1-3 p.m. for a no-pressure viewing of my latest listing (I will shadow you like a bad rash). I am so excited to showcase this property (not like I ever get a chance to golf anymore) featuring many amazing bells and whistles (when and if they ever work). I’ll be serving doughnuts and coffee, so stop by and pick up a feature sheet (seriously, take a feature sheet, and try not to load your pockets with doughnuts).

New listing:

Traditional family home on pie-shaped lot (I literally made that up, cake-shaped didn’t sound right), in a great neighbourhood (Harley shop next door opens at 7 a.m., secure your fine china to the wall). Plenty of updates (surface fixes), with some brand-new appliances (aren’t sinks appliances?). Make an offer today on this desirable gem (sellers entirely non-motivated, bid over asking price).

Estate sale:

Rare opportunity to snap up a property well below market value (not if the bank has a say in it) given the sad circumstances involving this home coming available (overvalued flip gone bad). Sold in As Is condition (you’ll need your plus-sized bulldozer!), we will only accept cash, unconditional offers in our sealed bid auction (there’s one born every minute!).

Show suite:

Incomparable finishings in this exquisite new development (you won’t find another one like it, unless you view our neighbouring properties), officially listed as waterfront (across six lanes of high traffic suburban roadway, and 18 feet down the cliff on the other side of the road). Prestigious address (ritzy, we wanted to call it Alcatraz Towers), incredible views (while the new high-rise is still under construction) and tranquil (as tranquil as six lanes of traffic can be at rush hour). True lock-and-leave convenience (run Forest run – away from these!).

Senior’s delight:

Retire to our fun-filled community, replete with games and recreational delights for your sunset years (some assembly required). Relax in our garden (11.5 flowers, and scattered rutabaga), chat with other residents on a bench overlooking parkland (assembly required) or play cards in our games room (hosted by Big Jimmy Elbows, a real-life Vegas table dealer). Our dedicated staff is at your service (union hours and gratuities subject to much flexibility), looking to ensure that your stay here is an absolute delight (silence is golden if it ain’t – ya get my drift?). Book a tour today! Free meal included (we order out on tour days).


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