By Dan St. Yves

The old saying “if these walls could talk” typically refers to historic buildings that have long outlived the original occupants and now would be able to share amazing stories of what had happened in that space over those years, were the walls able to converse with newer occupants.

What if new listings could talk, as potential purchasers ambled around perusing the property? Would we encourage those walls, or would we muzzle them?

Potential buyer: “Boy, I love the smell of this second storey – so warm and inviting! I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it seems downright appetizing!”

Walls: “That might be because the current owners opted not to spend the money on blow-in insulation, they filled the attic with popped popcorn. If you buy this joint, I hope you have a strong attachment to racoons and squirrels.”

Potential buyer: “Look Sally! They’ve got plugs on the wall, plugs on the counter, plugs by the landing, plugs everywhere! We can plug in ALL of our electronics easily!”

Walls: “Good luck with that, Bob. Every outlet in the house is jury-rigged onto one breaker, and as soon as you try to brew coffee and open the fridge door at the same time, your oven explodes.”

Potential buyer: “Jerry, listen to this floorboard – can you hear the creaking?”

Walls: “Creaking? The termites have darn-near chewed their way through every piece of lumber under the carpet. If you jump for joy when you move in you’ll discover a new shortcut to the rec room downstairs!”

Potential buyer: “What a beautiful view of the yard from the kitchen! I wonder how we could develop that into a true oasis?”

Walls: “Well, don’t go digging too deep out there – I recall a count of about 30 goldfish, five or six hamsters and a couple of turtles buried in shoe boxes around the yard. This could be the Dr. Doolittle version of The Mummy if you poke around too much!”

Potential buyer: “There sure seem to be a lot of upgrades in here. Do you think the owner had a professional contractor do all of those, up to code?”

Walls: “HA HA HA HA HA! Does watching Tim The Tool Man Taylor count as due diligence?”

Potential buyer: “These walls have a very unique colour – can you find out which brand of paint the sellers applied so that we can match it if we want to use the same colour somewhere else in the home?”

Walls: “Costco Mayonnaise, King-Sized Pail – also delightful on ham and cheese sandwiches!”

Potential buyer: “It doesn’t like look there’s been any flooding in this basement, even though we are smack-dab in the worst flood plain area of the city. How is that even possible?”

Walls: “The owners added a layer of milk crates under the carpet. If you pull it back, you’ll enjoy a lovely koi pond and a wide assortment of watershed greenery. And that’s just in the shallow end!”

Potential buyer: “Is it just me, or does the floor seem to be sloping?”

Walls: “Sloping is a very generous consideration. The groundhogs have pretty much tunnelled out everything below the foundation, so if your plan was to recreate the Leaning Tower of Pisa in a modest suburban bungalow, you’re in luck!”

Potential buyer: “Hello walls! What a beautiful home, and you know, these walls in particular seem to be the best part of the whole house. We’re gonna love it in here!”

Walls: “You sweet talker. Welcome home!”


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