If you’re ever in my kitchen, and you hear “BAM!” head for the hills. That sound will not be an amusing catchphrase like the one Emeril Lagasse employed on his cooking show. It will more likely indicate that I have somehow used my electric can opener as a detonation device for a can of waxed yellow beans.
I don’t want to sell myself short as a failure in the cooking department, but if it weren’t for the kindness of Colonel Saunders, I may not have ever seen a cooked chicken during my lifetime.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to learn how to cook. I moved into an apartment with a roommate when I turned 18, and in conjunction with a balanced diet of beer and pretzels, we had to try and find something other than salt to keep us alive. In our efforts to survive and/or create meals, we did manage to learn some valuable science lessons.
For example, given time and opportunity, the bachelor male is capable of growing bacterial cultures on virtually anything. I had always thought that Kraft Dinner had no expiration date, but clearly that is when the product is left uncooked in the original box, not in unsealed Tupperware in the fridge for a couple of weeks.
Another thing we discovered is that toast is an amazingly versatile product. Some folks require it as slightly warmed up bread, not actually toasted per se. Others prefer the texture of a roofing shingle, but may choose to scrape off anything too charred. A bachelor male in the kitchen might have kept Goldilocks from spending too much time sampling food choices.
The most frightening science lesson of all was the discovery of fire. In a frying pan. You would assume that grease may have been involved, but you would be giving us far too much credit.
No, we created fire by trying to make popcorn in a frying pan. That brings me to another valuable cooking lesson – never leave a frying pan unattended at a high temperature, just because the half-time show is featuring Rihanna.
Had I actually ever been successful in my attempts to cook, I certainly would not have won awards for my uninspired, flavour-less dishes. I have inherited a taste for bland foods devoid of most seasonings, but most especially onions. I hate onions. I would cross the road to avoid passing an onion on the sidewalk.
I imagine there are those of you out there who cannot imagine a lovely roast in the oven without onions cooking alongside, oozing flavour into every pore of the meat as it cooks. Maybe there are even a few of you that can’t imagine toast without onions, but I for one will pass, thank you very much. Onions aren’t even an option for me deep-fried and battered. That says a lot, based on my diet.
Anyhow, I must leave now. It’s dinnertime, and today I want to try using my oven for the first time. Apparently you can broil things in there.
And me with all kinds of canned vegetables.
If you’re ever in my kitchen, and you hear, “BAM!” head for the hills.