By Dan St. Yves
Delayed best intentions for a new year, as you are already well into it…
Day One – Feb 2. (Certainly can’t start a new fitness regimen Feb. 1, can you?)
Curse these endless, too-cold-to-leave-the-house Canadian winters! Once again, my pants have shrunk, after one too many snow-packed months trapped indoors. It is clearly time to regain the slender, athletic body of my youth. It is time to become fit, once again…even if I am waaay late with my New Year’s resolution…
First step – Investigate proven, legitimate, rational weight loss and fitness programs.
Day Two – Feb 3. Wow! Last night I couldn’t sleep, seeing as how I was SO stoked about getting fit again. Well, lo and behold, I’m surfing the late-night TV offerings and what do I see? “Explode your fat!” “Melt your inches!” “A fitter, trimmer you – in just six days!”
Can you believe my good fortune?? And here I thought I’d have to take at least two weeks to get back into my high school football uniform! Good thing I have my credit card number memorized. I ordered that program as fast as they could scroll the number across the screen.
Day Three – Feb 7. Got a little impatient waiting for my TV miracle diet to arrive, so I thought I might pick up a few healthy groceries, to complement whatever else this diet system will entail.
- Baby carrots – a perfect substitute for the larger, more cumbersome full-grown carrots, with all their rugged peels and whatnot to deal with, before you can even begin to eat one.
- Mixed baby green salad – again, smaller and ready to go right out of the package. With enough 1000 Island dressing, this salad stuff ain’t half-bad.
- One extra-large bag of potato chips. What, aren’t potatoes vegetables?
Day Four – Feb 8. Took a nice, leisurely walk today. Well, sort-of unintentionally. I must remember to get that busted gas gauge on the old Buick repaired.
However, the walk was invigorating, especially after that entirely unexpected late-winter rain began to fall. I’m pretty sure I was able to get my heart rate up to a satisfactory cardio workout level, once the even-less-expected lightning seemed to be hitting somewhat closer than I was comfortable with.
Day Five – March 12. Still no diet plan in the mailbox. So much for “rush shipping”. Getting a bit bored of those baby carrots – I should’ve picked up a couple of other vegetables, to add some spice and variety. Hey, now wait a minute there! If I dunk these things in my chip dip…
Day Six – March 15. I was pretty sure I still had my old weightlifting set somewhere down in the basement. I know my wife had talked about donating some stuff – maybe I should have put masking tape on items I wanted to keep.
Day Seven – March 23. The package I ordered from the TV infomercial arrived this morning! I tore it open and inside I found a skipping rope and a bottle of compressed cabbage pills. The instructions advised me to boil a pot of water, drop in a cabbage pill, and consume the soup. Once I felt it was strong enough. After the pot of soup, I am to skip rope for 45 minutes.
I have a feeling I will indeed be losing some weight, and that I’ll also be able to catch up on my reading, in one of the smaller rooms in our home.
Day Eight – March 24. You know, all the experts suggest that becoming fit is really more of a lifestyle change, not just following some ludicrous fad diet product. I think that if I just cut back on a few bad food choices and go for a bit of a walk once in awhile, I’ll be looking like Hugh Jackman again in no time.
If your vision is blurry.