By Dan St. Yves
Classifieds: Real Estate, For Sale By Owner
Posted Sept. 1: Rapunzel Tower.
Unique one-owner tower located in nicely wooded area. All you would need here is to install some stairs and this cosy bachelorette pad is virtually in move-in, start-your-new-life condition! Gorgeous stonework, single window with view, you can really let your hair down in this unique forest dwelling!
Posted Sept 1: Three Little Pigs Straw House
This home is far more stable than one might think. Built from the finest straw, the owner recommends heating with warm rocks or vigorous exercise during cold spells. Fireplace use is not recommended. Contrary to false reports, there is not now, nor has there ever been, a big bad wolf with a breathing problem lurking outside. Fake news!
Posted Sept 10: Cinderella’s Kitchen
Prior to the previous owner’s relocation to an enchanted castle, this home was her residence along with her step-sisters and step-mother. Well, technically only the kitchen is for sale, as the sisters and mother remain in the rest of the property. However, the kitchen is state of the art, featuring animated birds that are capable of designing ball gowns from scratch, and a fairy godmother that turns pumpkins into coaches. Buy before midnight tonight and receive one free admission to a prince’s ball!
Posted Sept 15: Geppetto’s Workshop
Are you a handyman or budding woodcarver? This is the home for you! Nice workbench, retro carving tools and a selection of marionettes that just need a few finishes to have them ready for sale at the local flea market – who “nose” how big this business could grow for you? I won’t lie to you, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the hobbyist who might just come to life with possibility – no strings attached!
Posted Sept 18: Jack’s Beanstalk Field
Commercial property listing, for sale by owner! Formerly used to grow giant beanstalks, now primarily home to rows of sunflowers and some rhubarb. Outbuilding features one goose that only lays off-white eggs, a harp that randomly begins playing without assistance and a hooligan hat 20 sizes too large for even a 12-foot-tall NBA forward. Open to negotiation, must sell. Save big on real estate fees, fie foe fum!
Posted Sept 20: Sleeping Beauty’s Castle
Blow-out on this abandoned castle, move in quick. We’ve even left a queen bed behind, sleep comfort guaranteed! You’ll never want to wake up once you lay down in this gorgeous home. Unique soundproofing to mute even the deepest snorer in your family. You will recharge your batteries every time you crawl in for a nap! Note: Handsome prince required if you need to wake up in a timely fashion.
Posted Sept 28: Frog Prince’s Pad
Waterfront living at its finest! This home is literally on the water! This lily pad enjoys nice shade in the afternoon, and calm waters unless there is a heavy rain. Or stupid humans diving in for a swim. However, if you are a magical frog, and one such human agrees to kiss you, then like myself you may be upgrading to a conventional home once you have been transformed into a handsome prince. One word of caution, as a frog that aspires to become a handsome prince one day, you will really want to watch out for crows, ducks and geese. I strongly recommend adding cover, or developing primo puckering skills pronto.